This resource shares examples of healthy and unhealthy relationships featuring topics like communication, honesty, personal space, and more.
CORA is dedicated to providing healthy relationship education to our community so that together we can break cycles of domestic violence and abuse. Here you’ll find resources to help you stay safe in your relationships and support friends or family members who may be experiencing domestic violence.
We’re growing our resource list! Have a suggestion for a resource you’d like to see here? Reach out to us at Info@corasupport.org
Intimate partner abuse is a pattern of coercive, controlling behavior that can include physical, emotional, sexual and/or financial abuse (using money and financial tools to exert control).
Abusers can make it very difficult for victims to escape relationships. This can cause many survivors of intimate partner abuse to suffer for decades. It’s important for survivors to know that the harm they are experiencing is not their fault, that they are not alone, and that help is available.
A better question is, “Why does the abuser choose to abuse?”
The deck is stacked against the victim when confronted with leaving or not. Those who harm are very good at making victims think that the abuse is their fault. Victims may stay because they believe that they caused the violence and that they can also cause it to stop. Victims may stay because they are made to think they cannot survive on their own, financially or otherwise. Often abusers create a financial situation that makes it nearly impossible for the victim to afford to leave.
There is also a real fear of more abuse or death if they leave. In fact, a victim’s risk of getting seriously injured or worse greatly increases when they are in the process of leaving or have just left.
A victim may return to the abuser because that’s the person the survivor fell in love with, they don’t see a way to survive without the supports the abuser provides, or because they believe the abuser’s promise to change.
The abuser may give warning signs but they may be subtle, such as:
• They insist on moving too quickly into a relationship.
• They are very charming and seem too good to be true.
• They insist that you stop participating in leisure activities or spending time with your family and friends.
• They are extremely jealous or controlling.
• They do not take responsibility for their actions and blame others for everything that goes wrong.
• They may make frequent put-downs and may criticize your appearance.
• Their words and actions don’t match.
Any one of these behaviors may not indicate abuse, but they may be red flags and it’s important to be alert to them.
Yes, men can be victims of intimate partner abuse.
A 2001 U.S. study revealed that 85 percent of the victims were female with a male abuser. The other 15 percent included persons in gay and lesbian relationships and men who were abused by a female partner.
Intimate partner abuse does occur in LGBTQ+ relationships. Studies show that intimate partner abuse occurs in LGBTQ+ relationships with the same amount of frequency and severity as in heterosexual relationships; 25-30% of the LGBTQ+ community experiences intimate partner abuse in their lifetime.
LGBTQ+ and straight victims of intimate partner abuse may experience similar patterns of abuse. However, LGBTQ+ victims may experience some notable additional vulnerabilities due to society’s long and deeply rooted history of racism, sexism, homophobia and transphobia.
LGBTQ+ folks face additional obstacles when seeking help including, but not limited to, the following:
Anger is a normal and healthy emotion and does not cause abuse. Even though abusers can be angry at times, abuse happens when an individual chooses manipulative, threatening or physically violent behavior to gain power and control over another individual. Abusive tactics may occur without any anger evident in the abuser.
While stress is a commonly used rationale for abuse, stress does not cause abuse. Everyone experiences stress. Most stressed people do not hurt others. Research does not support stress as a primary cause of abuse. Rather, it is an excuse used by abusers so they can justify their behavior.
Drugs and alcohol themselves do not cause abuse. Many people use drugs and/or alcohol and are never abusive. However, the violence may intensify when abusers use drugs or alcohol and abusers will sometimes blame drugs or alcohol as the reason for their behavior. Abusers who overuse drugs and/or alcohol have two separate problems – abusive behavior and substance abuse.
Intimate partner abuse affects every member of the family, including children. Statistics show that more than 5 million children witness abuse in their home each year.
Children are affected by intimate partner abuse even if they are not present during an abusive incident. They may hear the abuse or its violence from other rooms or see the aftermath of the abuse. They may be used as a tool by the abuser.
The child’s reaction to a home environment where abuse is present can vary. For most children, exposure to intimate partner abuse is traumatic and their reactions are similar to children’s reactions to other traumatic stressors.
Short-term effects may include:
Long-term effects, especially from chronic exposure to intimate partner abuse, may include:
In addition to these effects, children who have been exposed to intimate partner abuse often learn destructive lessons about the use of violence and power in relationships. In abusive environments, children may learn that it is acceptable to exert control or relieve stress by using violence, or that violence is in some way linked to expressions of intimacy and affection. For children, these lessons can have a powerful negative effect that impacts their social interactions and relationships throughout childhood and adulthood.
Partner abuse in a home does not directly mean that child abuse is occurring. However, studies show that children and teens exposed to an abusive parent are at higher risk of experiencing child abuse and neglect. In a national survey of more than 6,000 families, 50% of the men who frequently assaulted their wives also frequently abused their children. An abusive parent may resort to child abuse in an effort to maintain power and control over both their partner and their children.
If your friend tells you they’re in an abusive relationship, believe them. Direct them to resources they can use to get help, such as the phone number for CORA’s hotline. Acknowledge their fears and the risk they’re taking in confiding in you. By offering a place for this person to share and feel safe you are helping them know that, when they are ready, you will be there for them, without judgement. This is what helps people leave abusive situations when they are ready and when leaving will be safe.
